The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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