im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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