She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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