I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
