Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
