if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
