I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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