U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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