So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
