i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize