dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
