i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
