that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize