I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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