i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
