I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wear drunk well.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
