somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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