I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
