Im at strip club and am horny
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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