As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I deserve this hangover.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
