she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
