what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
