You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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