I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
