Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
