I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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