peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
