I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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