why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
