i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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