im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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