this beer tastes like vomit already
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
