I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
