You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize