The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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