a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
