OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize