I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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