My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
