He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
