my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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