OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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