Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Come share oat with me in your robe
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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