apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
