a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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