I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
