he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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