forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
