I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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