My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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