I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pants are for mortals
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize