I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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