Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
