I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
