I'd wear matching sweaters with you
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
