I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
