5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize