Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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