Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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