Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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